The, Like, Last Supper

Hello readers of my brother's blog. This is Mattie, Willie's dumber, yet taller brother by a quarter of an inch!

Willie's posts are truthful accounts of events that actually happened, and my posts will follow that same structure. So without further ado, here is a real transcript from the Last Supper.

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The, Like, Last Supper

JESUS: Gentlemen. This bread is my body. Take, eat. And this cup is my blood. Drink from it.

APOSTLES: Amen.

THOMAS: This is just metaphor blood, right? Cause you were hanging around all those lepers and I jus--

JESUS: It is the blood of the new and eternal covenant.

THOMAS: So….?

JESUS: It’s a merlot.

THOMAS: Ah. Cheers.

BARTHOLOMEW: I’m actually doing this new keto thing so I’ll just stick with the blood.

JESUS: I fasted for forty days and you don’t see me bragging. Eat.

BARTHOLOMEW: I didn’t mean to offend, sir, I thin--

JESUS: My blood and body will be finished before the check arrives. Understood?

SIMON PETER: Speaking of the check...how do we want to do this? Splitsies? Dutch? Or make like Moses and run for it?

MATTHEW: But I only had a salad. And this dinner’s already expensive.

JOHN: Well it could have been cheaper if somebody, not pointing fingers or anything, just multiplied a couple entrees.

JESUS: I literally just multiplied that loaf of bread. Just now.

JOHN: The bread was free. Jesus Christ, that’s like the dry hand job of miracles. We’ve been ordering fish like Philistines and you could’ve easily doubled a couple.

JESUS: You want me to just miracle-up every meal for you? That’s exhausting. And tacky. No need to lose your head over it. The bill shall be what it shall be.

JOHN: I’m just saying-

JESUS: Scoot over, John. Leave room for Jesus. And get your elbows off the table. What, were you raised in a manger?

JUDAS: Gentlemen. Enough with the bickering. Let’s all be thankful we’re here together and raise our glass to the Last Supper!

APOSTLES: Here here!

JESUS: Did you just say ‘Last Supper?’

JUDAS: Huh?

JAMES: You said Last Supper. We all heard it.

JUDAS: No, I said…class supper. A very classy supper. Looks like you’ve been hitting the blood a little too hard.

JESUS: No matter. Let’s get back to the normal supper.

PHILIP: Great restaurant by the way. Excellent choice, Jesus.

BARTHOLOMEW: I didn’t realize they had an Olive Garden in Jerusalem.

ANDREW: Oh! What if we did a fake birthday bit and got a free scoop of ice cream? Could be fun.

JESUS: Don’t be silly, everyone knows my birthday. Waitress wouldn’t buy it. Thomas, maybe it’ll work for you.

THOMAS: I doubt it.

SIMON PETER: Ok so back to the check…

JESUS: How about I pick it up, and you guys just Venmo me.

JUDAS: I don’t have Venmo.

JESUS: Of course you don’t. Ok, I’ll throw my card in and you can pay me however. 

JUDAS: But…then you get all the points. And I’m only a few away from a new donkey.

SIMON: I’ll throw my card in too. Let this be my cross to bear.

JESUS: Fine! We’ll all throw our cards in and figure it out later.

PETER: But I didn’t eat.

JESUS: Yes, you did.

PETER: No.

JESUS: And you’re drinking right now.

PETER: Nope.

JESUS: You really want to deny me again?

PETER: …no?

JESUS: I’m just trying to pay the check here and you guys are crucifying me.

JUDAS: Huh?!

SIMON: What’s going on down there? I can’t hear a thing.

MATTHEW: Why did we all sit on the same side of the table anyway?

ANDREW: My fellow apostles! Our Lord Jesus is gracious enough to host this supper, guide us and handle the payments. Let us be eternally grateful.

JUDAS: Oh, you know what I just realized. I left my card at home. How much will 30 pieces of silver get me?